a year ago

A year ago I went to Alaska, twice. Once to visit family with Elliott and go on an adventure. Then 4 days after I came back to LA, I flew a red eye back to Anchorage to deal with the breakup that had happened on the flight home from the first trip.

My family gave me a lot of support and my cousins let me crash their trip to Denali (thanks again guys). After 5 years with Elliott, I was just in shock. It wasn’t dramatic, it just wasn’t working. And it was sad and scary.

Then I stayed another 10 days just because it felt good to be there.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since then. I’ve kept myself really busy–with Rue, Standard, Rue again, trip to New York, the desert, living with Marie, being featured in Sunset (and yes that photo of me was taken about 3 days after the breakup), 2 trips to San Francisco, spread in Anthology, shooting for emily, moving to a new place (and out of the old one), shooting for At Your Leisure, AYL again, visiting the house in Todos Santos, being on Oh Joy, working on the Show, shooting dwell on design, Victoria spotlighting me, dating, the New York Times, more dating, more New York Times, the Show again, and just a whole lot more.

I’m proud of all the things I’ve been able to accomplish in a year. I feel more independent and capable and I’ve carved out more of a life for myself. But the truth is that it’s really only now that I’m actually starting to feel a lot of the loss. Not to get all woowoo feelings about it all, but I think I needed to be busy to get through the transition. And I was basically exhausted for the entire year. Now that I’m actually settled, I’m really able to feel all the shittiness. Acutely. And it sucks.

I don’t normally get super personal around here, but this was such a milestone and has been such a big part of the last year that I really wanted to share. I’m slowing down a bit, going to go up north and visit my other cousins with my mom. One of them lives in a yurt, the other lives close to redwoods. This will be good for me.

22 Responses to “a year ago”

  1. Jenny says:

    …wow…take a breath.
    It’s tough to carve out a freelance career, you’re brave and making some beautiful work.
    Would love to have you come stay and take some photos in the New Forest sometime.

  2. Jen says:

    Funny but just the other day I was thinking that it had been awhile since I read your “My new place” post (my first time here actually) and that since then you had done so many amazing things. I guess the really good news is this. Recognizing and giving yourself the space now to feel the sting is going to allow you to grieve, reconcile and ultimately get through the worst of it.

    Moving forward is always tricky and filled with questions and doubts but I was always SO GLAD to not be in the bad place (the relationship) anymore. It felt good to know that the yuck was behind me and the unknowns ahead were always going to better than what I had.

    The yurt sounds fantastic! Take pics yes?

  3. laure says:

    thanks jen, I will definitely take pictures! thanks for all of your support and comments :)

  4. It’s amazing what you have accomplished in such a short time. It’s nice that you were able to leave markers along the way, so that the time didn’t blur (or isn’t as much of a blur).

    I have no idea what a yurt is!

  5. a sad and beautiful posting. i read it twice in a row..
    thanks for sharing your words, your photos, and your triumphs, and let downs.
    life sucks sometimes, and then it gets better:)

    hope your holiday weekend was a good one.


  6. laure says:

    thanks david, it feels good to just have things be. Not fight them. I know there are great things on the other side :)

  7. just read your post and it make me think back to all the heartbreak in pass relationships i have had
    and if i knew the future , i think i could of gone though them easier . out of the blue a guy from 7th
    grade wrote me, (an artist also) and we have been together for 6 great years. sometimes the relationships
    that do not work out are because a better future is waiting for you.i wish for you that your heart grows a little lighter each day.

  8. Gretchen says:

    Thank you for sharing your words and photographs. It is always so inspiring to visit your blog; just know that there are people out there wishing you the best!

  9. molly says:

    ugh. breakups are HARD. i went to hawaii a few years back. looks like i should have gone to alaska. this was an uplifting and inspirational post. i’m glad to have read it.

  10. laure says:

    thanks molly and gretchen, I’m really embracing it, and ready, so it actually in a weird way, feels good.

  11. steph says:

    you HAVE been busy! enjoy your time off, you are definitely due. processing these things will be good, you’ve got so many wonderful things ahead of you!

  12. John says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I want to be you when I grow up.

  13. Kate says:

    Hi Laure, I’ve never commented before but adore your blog. So de-lurking to say be kind to yourself. Break ups are always incredibly hard, and you need to mourn that. But it sounds like keeping busy with interesting projects also propels you forward. Hope this break brings you new adventures! Kate xx

  14. You’ve had an amazing year and now it sounds like you are just spent and need to really rest (no, I mean REALLY rest). I recommend the yurt. Here we hang out in the Moroccan tent to recoup & it works wonders.

  15. chris says:

    Love You girl and believe in you–your talent for life and for love is so strong and true. let it guide you.

  16. Abby says:

    whoa, has it been a year? what a year! gotta say, watching you go through it, you’ve definitely made it seem easy and effortless (though i know it hasn’t been!) know that when i’m between a rock and hard place, i wonder, now, what would lj do? i feel very happy to be your friend! you be some rock solid peeps. love you! xxooa

  17. mosey says:

    I’m honored that you shared this stuff with us – I know how difficult it is to get personal on blogs. I avoid it at all costs and wish I had the courage. And let me just say, that when I went through my painful breakup (after 5 years of being with my first love) I wasn’t half as cool and accomplished as you are.

  18. Cindy says:

    I found your blog today and am already a huge fan! I’m sure your story hits close to home for many, including me, and I’m thankful that you were willing to share something so personal with us. It took me 3 years after my terrible, painful breakup to feel so accomplished and I am in disbelief every day how lucky I am. Sometimes I still feel sad (after so long!) when I think about the breakup, but I realize it’s because I am mad at myself for not realizing how good things can be and being so miserable at the time. Oh well, you live and learn!

  19. lovely pictures! Just came across your site today, after following a tweet. Lovely blog – and also we’ve just got back from a trip to Alaska and your pictures are beautiful. Well done – and good luck!

  20. jamie says:

    wow. well since i only “knew” you this year, i assumed this was just a normal year for you, as far as the constant kicking ass goes.

    hope the trip was restorative (sounds like) and it seems like a pretty healhty way to deal… power through for a year and then kind of take a step back, assess. be.

    hang in there, lady.

  21. laure says:

    jamie, you’re awesome ;)

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